I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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