i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
