I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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