I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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