a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
