We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
