I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
someone owes me an orgasm
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
