my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
