i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
