A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
