i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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