girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
