when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
