That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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