can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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