Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Found the puke drawer
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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