Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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