bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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