i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
