It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
