i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
