Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
