i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
