perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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