Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
