Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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