if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
