Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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