I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
