she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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