Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
