I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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