i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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