Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
