dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
