Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I can't turn off my feet"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
