There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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