Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
