Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
