i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
