There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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