so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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