it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
