Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
