when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
