I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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