I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She said her name was "party"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
