sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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