I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
