I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
