I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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