cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
