i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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