totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
