so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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